


You Think My Bruised Knees Are Sort Of Pretty

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Series: If All Is Fair In Love & War, I Can't Do This Anymore [9]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, BDSM, Choking, Dom Drop, Dom/sub, Don't Try This At Home, Face Slapping, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, NSFW, Pain Kink, Rope Bondage, Rough Sex, Safeword Use, Sub Drop, Undernegotiated Kink, Unsafe BDSM, breath play, dubcon, unsafe kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 01:12:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12332502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: Laf and Alex work through some things.





	You Think My Bruised Knees Are Sort Of Pretty

**Author's Note:**

> ******WARNING********
> 
> This chapter depicts some pretty unsafe BDSM and irresponsible kink. Safe words are heavily used throughout the chapter, however Alex & Laf are both still put in a fairly unsafe position here. Don't do it like this, kids. Don't engage in kink when you are emotionally compromised, and please, please negotiate your intentions before hand!

Alex had been thinking about it since he’d watched Lafayette take John apart. Something about the deep calm that had settled over John afterwards, the way everything in him seemed to just quiet down snagged at Alex, and held his attention. Something about the way Lafayette methodically took John apart, something so freeing in the way John let go of control and just surrendered to it… 

When he thought about it, he could picture himself in either John’s shoes, or Lafayette’s. The idea of taking control away from John or Laf… of having them at his mercy… yeah, it heated his blood. 

But the idea of having control robbed from him? 

It frightened him, and it intrigued him.

He tried, subtly, to coax Lafayette into it, but it was as if he didn’t notice at all. Things that would have made him tie John down in a heartbeat, he let slide when it was Alex. 

So often, Alex would look up from his book, or his writing, or wake up in the morning, and Lafayette would be staring at him like he’d seen a ghost, the most haunted and sad look on his face. 

It made Alex want to scream. 

It made Alex want to crawl out of his own skin. 

But Lafayette only shrugged it off, refused to talk about it. 

Just like he refused to talk about the way he sometimes woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and tears, and held Alex so tight that Alex felt like he couldn’t breathe, terror in every line of Lafayette’s body. 

And Alex tried to be patient, he did. 

But it was starting to wear on him. 

He knew John noticed too, saw it in the worried tightening of John’s jaw when he looked between the two of them sometimes, in the way his brow furrowed when he watched Lafayette watching Alex. 

But John said nothing, and Lafayette said nothing, and Alex wanted to scream, but said nothing. 

~*~

It was a particularly bad day. 

Alex had woken in the early almost light of dawn to Lafayette clinging tight to his back, shaking with the effort of staying quiet, and sobbing his heart out into the back of Alex’s neck, open mouthed, ragged breathed, hot tears soaking Alex’s hair and skin. 

Alex held his breath. Found Lafayette’s hand and squeezed it tight. Whispered ‘it’s okay, I’m here, this is real, you’re awake,’ like a litany over and over and over into the cool, dark room until Lafayette’s tears slowed and halted and he lay still, squeezing the life out of Alex, and shook and shook and shook until the sunlight poured in and John woke and plastered himself to Alex’s front with all his sleepy warmth, and that awful not quite real sliver of time in between night and day, dark and light, faded and eased into morning. 

All day, Lafayette flinched at loud sounds. He kept his hands on Alex, shaking hands, needy hands, touching and touching and touching as if to remind himself that Alex was here, Alex was real, but the way he kept looking at Alex like Alex _wasn’t_ here, like he _wasn’t_ real… 

It made Alex feel like he was coming apart. Like he was made of gossamer and fog. Like he didn’t exist at all but in a nightmare. 

It meant that every time Lafayette touched him like he’d shatter, Alex felt closer to actually shattering. 

It meant that every time Lafayette stared at him like he was an apparition, the manifestation of an awful dream, Alex found it a little harder to breathe. 

Sometimes, he wondered if it would have been better for Lafayette if he hadn’t come back at all.

John hovered helplessly in the in between. Couldn’t fight this fight for either of them, and didn’t know how to support, how to help, but wore their tension in the tight of his jaw, and closed his teeth against it. 

Alex started to unravel by midday. Couldn’t lock himself away, not with Lafayette like this, but couldn’t cope with the staring, the touching. 

So he sat and tried to read in the sitting room. 

He gave up on that after a couple of hours and stood up to fetch parchment and paper, only to hand Lafayette pull him into a tight hug and hold on tight. 

Alex huffed, hugged Lafayette back for a moment, and tried to pull away. 

“Lafayette enough! Let me go,” Alex snapped. 

“No,” Lafayette huffed. Held Alex tighter. 

Alex wrenched away, stepped out of Lafayette’s reach.

Lafayette reached out, stepped closer. 

“Lafayette,” John said. Quiet. Firm. 

Lafayette stopped, looked at John. 

“C’mere.” John held out a hand. 

Lafayette gave in, walked over to John, took his hand and squeezed tight, knuckles white. 

Alex stayed where he was, tense, poised to flee, anger humming through his veins. Watched John tug Lafayette close, talk to him in low tones. Watched Lafayette nod, take a deep breath, try to steady. 

Watched them both look at him with fear and sadness in their eyes, and snapped.

“Would you _stop_ looking at me like that!?” He snapped. 

Whirled, and stalked out of the door, slamming it behind him. 

Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, felt sick to his stomach. Had to hold his shaking hands out in front of him and remind himself that he was here, and it was all real, and it wasn’t just a sick dream and he wasn’t a ghost. 

“Alex!” John spilled out into the hallway, followed by Lafayette, and Lafayette stepped towards him but he was still looking at him like that, deep haunting in his eyes and gods damned if it didn’t just _hurt_.

Alex stepped towards Lafayette, reached out, and slapped him across the face as hard as he could.

“Snap the fuck out of it!” Didn’t know what he was hoping for. 

John’s sharp intake of breath made Alex’s heart beat in double time, and Lafayette froze solid. 

Alex stood there, hand still outstretched, breathing like he’d just run for miles, anger barely held behind gritted teeth, and Lafayette did nothing. 

The sudden silence was thick and sharp.

John’s gaze flicked between Lafayette and Alex. Caught Alex’s eye for a second. Looked back at Lafayette.

“...you gonna let him do that to you, Laf?” John asked, voice light, taunting. 

Lafayette looked at Alex, something tight in every line of his body. 

Alex glared back at him. 

“Well? Are you?” John pressed. 

Silence. 

Stillness.

Lafayette shifted, ever so slightly, the tiniest touch of softening. 

Alex’s hand snapped out again, slapped Lafayette hard across the other cheek, the crack of his palm hitting Lafayette’s cheek deafening. 

Just as quick, Lafayette’s hand was in Alex’s hair, gripping tight at the base of his neck. 

“Hit me again why don’t you?” He hissed. 

Alex grinned, and slapped Lafayette as hard as he could. 

John sucked in a sharp breath, and Lafayette’s fingers tightened in Alex’s hair, pulling until Alex’s head was forced back, neck exposed, heat searing through his body at the feeling of being controlled. 

“Bedroom. Now.” Lafayette’s voice was deadly even, shutters slamming shut on any emotion on his face. He spun Alex around, marched him down the hall, fist painfully tight in his hair. 

Alex’s breath hitched and held and he let Lafayette push him along, into the bedroom. 

John closed the doors quietly behind them, moved to strip the bed while Lafayette stood still, holding Alex by his hair. 

Alex stood in Lafayette’s grip, body tight, breath shallow. 

John dumped the pillows and blankets in a corner and turned around, locked eyes with them both for a moment, and stepped back, out of the way. 

“Check,” he said quietly. 

“Canter,” Lafayette and Alex said back, almost as one. 

“Take your clothes off and get on the bed,” Lafayette said. 

When Alex didn’t comply fast enough, Lafayette shook him roughly, then shoved him. 

Alex caught himself with his hands on the footboard of the bed, straightened up and yanked his clothes off angrily, and turned back around.

“Bed,” Lafayette repeated, voice firm. 

Alex’s eyes narrowed, glaring at Lafayette, but he complied, mimicked John’s usual pose, sat on his heels with his hands in his lap, but met Lafayette’s gaze with his chin lifted. 

Lafayette leaned in, cupped Alex’s cheek in a soft hand. 

“Alex…” he breathed, voice soft, a little shaky, and then he was looking at Alex like that again, haunted eyes.

Alex closed his eyes, didn’t want to see it.

“I’m not made of glass Lafayette,” Alex said, quiet. “I’m not going to break.”

“Alex, I-” Lafayette’s voice, still soft, and Alex didn’t open his eyes, didn’t want to see. 

“Hit me back, Lafayette,” Alex hissed, voice low, heart hammering in his ears, breath shallow. Needed to feel something, needed to feel here and real and alive, not like he was about to float away on the tide of sorrow in Lafayette’s eyes. 

“Alex-”

“Hit me back, Lafayette,” Alex hissed again, words sharp, urgent, something tight and hot beneath his skin that was desperate to escape. Felt like he’d die if he didn’t feel something sharp and real.

“Alex-” 

Alex opened his eyes, glared up at Lafayette through a sudden sheen of tears, throat tight, teeth gritted. 

“Fucking canter, Lafayette, canter, hit me back already, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Alex couldn’t keep the desperate hitch out of his words, and his skin felt on fire, and he felt a half step from flying apart. 

“Alex-”

“Fucking do it!” Alex hissed. Closed his eyes again, couldn’t look into Lafayette’s eyes for fear of drowning in them. 

“Check,” John said, quiet, from the side of the room. 

“Canter,” Alex snapped back, body burning with the effort of staying so still, heat prickling his skin from head to toe. 

“Laf?” John asked, same quiet tone. 

“Canter,” Lafayette whispered, but he didn’t sound sure, and Alex stayed still and he kept his eyes closed and he swallowed hard and lifted his chin and he waited. 

And waited. 

And waited. 

“What the fuck are you waiting for, an invitation? Just fucking hit me back already you fucking coward!” Alex snarled. 

CRACK!

Alex’s head snapped to the side with the force of Lafayette’s palm connecting with his cheek. He heard John exhale sharply, could hear Lafayette breathing. Didn’t open his eyes, didn’t want to see, thought maybe if he kept them shut the tears would stay trapped behind his lashes. 

Pulled his head back to centre, and grinned, a little loose, a little feral. 

“That the best you can do?” He hissed.

The strangled sob that wrenched from Lafayette’s throat tore out Alex’s heart. 

CRACK!

His head snapped to the other side so hard and fast that he saw stars, couldn’t breathe with the force of the sharp, stinging pain, eyes screwed shut against hot tears. 

“Check,” John said again, soft. 

“Canter,” Laf replied. 

Alex inhaled deep through his nose. Felt a little shaken loose, hot all over, skin prickling. 

“C-canter,” he said, voice shaking. Dragged his head back to centre again. 

“Alex-” Lafayette’s voice, immediately softer, questioning, a little frantic at the edges. 

“Do it again you asshole,” Alex hissed through gritted teeth. 

“Enough,” Lafayette snapped. “Keep your eyes closed.”

“What, can’t take it? C’mon Laf, c’mon,” Alex goaded, body trembling. 

“I said enough.”

Alex heard the sound of the trunk opening, heard Lafayette digging for something, felt his heartbeat rachet higher. 

“I don’t give a fuck. You’re just stalling, you can’t really do it can you? C’mon Laf, hit me again, I’m not gonna break, I’m not made of glass, you just can’t do it can you? You’re a coward, c’mon, c’mo-”

CRACK! 

Alex’s head whipped around, breath driven from his lungs. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Lafayette’s voice, dangerously low. “Just shut the fuck up Alexander.” 

Something soft settled over Alex’s eyes, knotted at the back of his head. He didn’t have to try to open his eyes to know he wouldn’t be able to see, thick silk blocking out the light. 

“Why? Don’t like what I have to say? C’mon Lafayette,” Alex pressed. 

CRACK!

The force of the back of Lafayette’s hand cracking into Alex’s cheek sent him sprawling backwards, head ringing, cheek on fire. 

He started to tremble, didn’t move because he couldn’t see and he didn’t know where to go, and felt like he couldn’t breathe through the suffocating feeling of not feeling real at all. 

“Again,” he breathed. 

“You don’t get to call the shots in here Alexander,” Lafayette hissed, so close that Alex flinched. 

“Fuck you, hit me again, c’mon Laf, do it,” Alex goaded, needed to feel the stinging sharpness of Lafayette’s hand on him, needed to know he wasn’t just a ghost from Lafayette’s nightmares. 

“Shut up, shut up, if we do this we do it my way do you hear me?” Lafayette’s hands closed around Alex’s neck and Alex’s body jerked against the restraint, and he shook a little harder and his heart pounded in his tight throat, tears threatening to spill.

“No sir,” he breathed.

“Check,” John’s voice as if from a dream. 

“Canter,” Lafayette and Alex replied, as if they were one. 

“Let’s try that again. We’re doing this my way, do you fucking hear me?” Lafayette snapped.

“No sir,” Alex repeated, voice little more than a whisper. 

Lafayette’s hands closed tight.

Alex thrashed beneath him at the sudden removal of air, half hard cock twitching. He truly couldn’t breathe now, Lafayette’s hands cutting off his air, and his mouth gaped open, trying to get anything, anything into his lungs, and his chest felt like it was on fire and his head started to swim and then suddenly, he could breathe again, Lafayette’s hands gone from his throat. 

Alex lay still, head spinning, felt like he was floating off into a dream. 

“We’re doing this my way, do you understand?” Lafayette asked for a third time, voice softer. 

“No sir,” Alex breathed again, voice a little hoarse. 

He heard Lafayette huff a sharp breath, and then nothing. 

He was left alone on the bed, breathing hard and shrouded in darkness, whole body shaking, whole body on fire. 

He flinched when Lafayette’s hand wrapped around his wrist, pulled his arm out and secured it. 

Breathed a little freer when he repeated it with the other wrist. 

“Too bad. If you can’t shut the fuck up and listen to simple instructions you don’t get a choice. I could have been nice, we could have done this the easy way. You want me to hit you?” Lafayette paused. Gripped Alex’s ankle and stretched his leg out, secured it. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex breathed, skin humming with the promise of real touch, real feeling, needed something to pull him out of the black space he was floating into. 

“I don’t think you deserve it,” Lafayette responded, and grabbed Alex’s other ankle, pulled his leg out, secured it. 

Lafayette’s hands closed around Alex’s cock, strapped a cuff around it, tight pressure securing the base, making Alex’s breath catch and his heart thud in his ears. 

The bed shifted slightly with Lafayette’s weight as he climbed on, settled between Alex’s legs. 

Stretched taught on his back across the bed, blind and untouched, Alex’s shaking only intensified, cock heavy and lying on his stomach, whole body burning with the need to be touched. 

Instead, he was met with nothing.

Just the sound of his own breathing, of his heart in his ears, and the heavy weight of blackness over his eyes. 

He felt like he was spinning, felt like he was floating away, felt like he wasn’t real at all. 

“Laf, Laf,” he panted, voice low, soft. 

Got nothing back. 

Not a sound, not even a hint of movement. 

Just nothing. 

Just black and spinning and the burning feeling under his skin, and it felt hard to breathe and his heart raced.

“Laf, Laf, hit me, fuck, touch me, touch me, please,” Alex panted, a little frantic, a little desperate.

Got nothing back.

Was alone, for all he knew. 

“Laf, fuck, Laf, Laf, Laf, John, Laf-”

“Check?” came John’s voice out of the blackness at the first sound of panic in Alex’s words. 

“Canter, canter, just, fuck, Laf, touch me, hit me, I don’t care, please, please, I’m not made of glass, I’m not a ghost, Laf, Laf, I need you to touch me,” Alex’s words came fast and unhinged, body tight and shaking. Felt lost, felt alone, felt like he wasn’t real at all. 

Lafayette’s thumb brushed across his lower lip from out of nowhere, and it was wet and tasted of salt, and Alex jerked at the suddenness of it.

Then nothing.

Alex felt like he was unravelling, breath tight in his chest. 

“Beg,” Lafayette said, one word, so quiet. 

“Laf, Laf, please I need you to touch me, please, please, hit me, hurt me, make me feel like I’m real again, please, Laf, please, you look at me like I’m a ghost but I’m not, I’m not, I’m not, I’m here, I’m real, please, please hit me again, fuck, Laf, Laf, Laf, please I need you to touch me, I need you, I need you,” Alex babbled, almost senseless, needed so much, felt like he was all loose limbs, just ankles and wrists tied and cast away to spin into blackness forever. 

Lafayette’s fingernails raked down his body, shoulders to hips down his chest and his stomach, the lightest possible touch. 

Alex shattered.

A sob ripped from his throat, and he couldn’t choke back the tears anymore. 

“Laf, Laf,” he sobbed, whole body shaking. 

Lafayette ran his fingernails down the fronts of Alex’s legs, then back up again, all over his body, touch so very light, not nearly enough. 

Beneath those phantom touches, Alex sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks, needed so much more.

“Check,” John’s voice, so steady, so soft. 

“Canter,” Alex whimpered. 

Lafayette’s fingernails dragged down one arm, then the other, so so light, barely there, almost as if Alex was imagining it, and for a moment he truly couldn’t tell if any of this was real at all. 

“Laf?” John prompted.

“Canter,” Lafayette said, soft, voice thick with tears. 

His hands lifted away, left Alex alone and untouched again. 

Alex’s breath caught and held. 

Let out in a loud sob when Lafayette’s nails returned, still so impossibly light, and ran from his hips up his stomach and chest to his collarbone. 

Lafayette’s nails dragged back down, a little firmer, a little more real. 

“Laf, Laf, please, please,” Alex sobbed, felt like he was drowning. 

Lafayette’s nails dragged up, a little harder, and Alex moaned, open mouthed, arched into the press of nails on flesh, relished the ten strips of warmth it left behind. 

“Lafayette!” Alex jerked against the ropes. 

“You’re fine.” Lafayette replied, and he raked his nails back up, even harder, digging in, leaving heat behind in tracks up Alex’s body. 

Alex arched off the bed, cried out wordlessly when Lafayette raked his nails back down, kept going, up and down, harder and harder with each pass from top to bottom until Alex was sweating and writhing against the touches, burning up from the inside out. 

His cock ached, desperate for touch, skin on fire where Lafayette had raked him raw and bruised.

He was beyond words, tears streaming down his face, soaking into his hair and the blindfold, chest heaving with the force of his sobs. Felt raw, felt like Lafayette was tearing him apart. 

Lafayette’s nails dragged back down, slow and deep, pain lighting Alex up from head to toe in searing stripes. 

Then nothing.

Alex’s teeth started to chatter, and he shook and shook and shook, no sound in the room but his own loud sobs. 

A finger stroked up the underside of Alex’s cock, and Alex jerked against the ropes. 

“Do you want to come, Alexander?” Lafayette asked. 

“Please,” Alex breathed. 

“Too bad. Me first,” Lafayette replied. 

There was a beat of stillness, just Alex’s heart in his ears and his held breath. 

Above his own, ragged, sobbing breaths, he heard the slick sounds of Lafayette stroking his own cock, hard and fast, sound flooding Alex’s awareness. 

He whimpered at the lack of touch, squirmed in his bonds trying to find something, anything. 

Got nothing. 

Just the sound of his own heartbeat, his own sobs, and Lafayette’s hand on his own cock. 

“Laf, Laf,” Alex panted, arched, needed to be touched, felt like he was going to float away again, surrounded by blackness and sound, just burning up from the welts on his body, mind beginning to fog over. 

Got no answer. 

No touch, no words, just the sound of Lafayette stroking himself. 

Choked on a sob when Lafayette made the softest, punched out sound, and hot ropes of come splashed over Alex’s sensitive skin, stinging where Lafayette’s nails had broken skin. 

Alex twisted in his bonds, felt more lost than ever. He sobbed through chattering teeth, totally undone. 

“I’m going to hit you five times. If you can count each one for me, I’ll let you come,” Lafayette said, voice firm, little choked. 

“Canter,” Alex responded breathlessly. 

The first open palmed slap drove the breath from his lungs, face stinging bright with sharp pain. He gasped with the force of it, suddenly dragged back into himself, felt real again, everything sharp.

“One,” he choked out. Straightened his head again. 

The second slap sent his head snapping in the other direction, vision going white behind the blindfold. 

“Two,” through gritted teeth. Felt weak, felt taken apart. 

The back of Lafayette’s hand cracked into the first cheek, made sparks jump in his vision, dragged a ragged sob from Alex’s throat. 

“Three,” Alex panted. 

The fourth crack of the back of Lafayette’s hand made his head swim, white noise roaring in his ears, breath coming in open mouthed gasps. 

“Alex,” Lafayette whispered. 

“Four,” Alex whimpered. 

“Alex,” Lafayette whispered again.

Then nothing. 

Alex lay shaking and sobbing, heard John say something as if from very far away, couldn’t think past the heavy fog of darkness. 

The fifth slap came out of nowhere, shattered Alex into a million tiny pieces that floated away under white noise, and his mouth formed the word ‘five’, tried to breathe it out past the fog. Heard someone say the word ‘whoa’ like a cracking whip. Could hear the sound of someone sobbing as if from very far away, something wet on his skin like rain. Could hear another voice, talking quick and low, familiar voice, warm and full of love but so far away. 

“Alex,” soft voice, calling his name. 

Alex reached through the fog. Stretched. Tried to find the surface. 

“Alex, baby girl, come on back,” soothing voice, low and familiar. 

He’d followed this voice back from farther places than this before. 

“That’s it, come on Alex, we need you here.”

Someone was touching his face. Trembling fingers stroking his wet skin. 

He opened his eyes. Blinked in the light, up through a sheen of tears at John, cradling his face in one hand, whispering his name like a prayer.

“That’s it, that’s it, hey baby girl, how you feeling?” John asked, voice soft, weak smile, face tracked with tears. 

“John,” Alex breathed. 

Became aware of a weight on his chest, Lafayette’s arms tight around him, face pressed against Alex’s chest as he sobbed and sobbed. 

“Good, that’s good, are you okay?” John pressed a kiss to Alex’s forehead, his other hand rubbing Lafayette’s back. 

“Y-yeah,” Alex whispered. Felt loose and shaken apart, but felt real, felt alive, skin burning, cock hard and trapped in the cuff, everything raw, everything _right there_. 

“Good, I’m glad. I love you so much,” John stroked his thumb over Alex’s burning cheek. Kissed his mouth. “Can you tell Lafayette? Tell him you’re alright?” 

Alex shifted, and found his hands and legs free. Sluggishly, he brought on hand to Lafayette’s lower back, let it lie there, fingers spread. 

“Laf? Laf, c’mere,” Alex whispered. 

At the sound of Alex’s voice, Lafayette looked up, eyes barely seeing, tears streaming down his face. 

“Come back Laf, it’s okay. Alex is right here, he’s alright,” John stroked Lafayette’s cheek, fingers gentle and trembling. 

“John,” Lafayette sobbed. 

John bit his lower lip, took a deep breath. 

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay,” he whispered. 

Lafayette shifted out from between Alex’s legs, stretched out tight against Alex’s side and pressed his face into his neck. 

“I’m sorry, Alex, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. 

“Laf, Laf, I’m okay,” Alex whispered back, shaking and dazed, but raw and alive and alright. 

“I’m going to start a bath, okay? I’ll be right here, I’m not going away, I promise, okay?” John asked, soft, shaken. 

“Okay, okay,” Alex replied. Brought his hand to Lafayette’s cheek, turned into him a little. 

“Good. Okay. If you need me I’m right here,” John said, and he kissed Alex’s cheek, and he shifted off the bed. 

Alex turned onto his side, cupped Lafayette’s face in his hands, kissed him slow and deep. 

“Hey, hey, Laf,” he whispered. 

“Alex, Alex,” Lafayette sobbed, pressed his forehead against Alex’s forehead and took a shaky breath. 

For a long moment they just looked into each other’s eyes, and then Lafayette’s hand stroked down Alex’s side, light, careful. 

“I’m so sorry. Was it too much, Alex?” He asked, and Alex shook his head a little, wriggled in closer, kissed Lafayette again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”

“No,” Alex whispered back, still shaking, still loose and teeth chattering and foggy headed, but alright. “No, it wasn’t too much, it wasn’t, it was perfect, you’re perfect, I’m okay, see?” 

“Are you sure Alex?” Lafayette took a shaky breath, tried valiantly to stop crying, and failed. He ran his hand back up Alex’s back, surer touch. “I couldn’t take it if I hurt you, oh gods.” 

“I’m sure, I’m sure, you didn’t hurt me too much, I wanted everything you gave me,” Alex said, and he wanted to keep talking, keep stringing hazy words together to reassure Lafayette, but he felt tugged between desire to sleep and the urgent aching of his trapped cock, and he couldn’t quite seem to think straight, still a little blown open. 

He shifted against Lafayette, and Lafayette made a soft little ‘oh’ sound when Alex’s cock rubbed up against his belly, and he slid his hand between their bodies to cup it gently. 

“Alexander, can I help you with this?” he rubbed, careful, and Alex groaned and pushed his hips against Lafayette’s hand, nodded. “Can I make you feel good, Starlight?” Lafayette’s fingers were already working at the cuff, and Alex could have cried with relief when it snapped open and Lafayette pulled it off, except he was already crying, tears still tracking slowly down his raw cheeks. 

“Please, Laf,” Alex whined, and Lafayette took another shaky, steadying breath, spat into his still half slicked up hand, and curled his fingers around Alex’s cock. 

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” Lafayette whispered, free hand sliding under Alex’s face to cup his cheek as he started to stroke him. 

Alex moaned deep in his throat, breath hitching, his whole body lighting up at Lafayette’s touch. 

“Is that better Starlight? Let me fix it, let me make you feel better,” Lafayette tightened his hand, leaned in and kissed Alex, then pulled back to watch his face, his tears slowing, breath evening out as he focussed on Alex. 

“Yeah, yeah, Laf, make me come,” Alex panted, a little of that heavy, fuzzy feeling creeping back in as he surrendered to Lafayette’s tight fisted strokes. 

“Go on Starlight, come for me, show me I made it alright,” Lafayette whispered, almost pleading.

“Laf,” Alex panted. It didn’t take much, Alex’s body already over sensitive and wrung right out. “Gonna come.” His hips bucked into Lafayette’s hand and he cried out wordlessly as his orgasm slammed into him, his vision going white again as he came over Lafayette’s hand and stomach, pleasure wringing him out from head to toe. 

He went boneless against Lafayette, could hear him whispering but didn’t really track the words, just fit his face against Lafayette’s neck and whispered back ‘I’m okay, I’m okay,’ over and over again, clinging to the edge of that fog that threatened to drag him under again. 

John’s hand touched him between his shoulders, stroked down his back, and Alex flinched, felt like he’d been set on fire. 

“Don- don’t. Don’t,” he choked out. Burrowed tighter into Lafayette, who’s arm went around his waist and squeezed. 

“Alex? Baby girl what’s wrong?” John asked, voice soft and careful. 

“No, I’m okay, just. You can touch, just don’t… don’t stroke.” It was too much, after everything else, and it tipped the balance back to that fog, that floaty surreal place. 

“Okay. That’s alright. Do you want to get in the bath, just soak for a few minutes? You’re shivering baby girl, and I want you to get warm, do you think that would be okay?” John asked. His hand returned, but this time it lay still and flat against Alex’s back, and that was okay, it wasn’t too much, and Alex nodded into Lafayette’s neck. 

“Yeah,” he whispered, fog receding again. 

“Good. Can Laf hold you, in the tub? Would that be okay?” The shaking had gone from John’s voice, replaced by something steady and sure. 

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, soothed by John’s voice, his steady, still hand. 

“Good. Laf? Laf what do you need, love? Do you want to get in the bath with Alex? Hold him while he catches his breath? Would that help you feel better?” 

Alex felt Lafayette nod above him, and shift a little, hold loosening on Alex’s waist. 

“That’s it, good. You first, Laf. Let go of Alex, just for a second,” John coached. 

Lafayette untangled from Alex and moved away, and Alex rolled onto his stomach, stretched out, fingers and toes finding cool sheets, face against the soft fabric. He shifted over, found a cool spot on the bed and stretched his body out on it, eyes closed. Listened to John coach Lafayette into the tub, sound of water moving as Lafayette got in, but for a moment Alex just wanted to stay right here, let the cool sheets soothe his skin. 

“Alex? Are you ready?” John was back, right beside him, and Alex opened his eyes, looked up at John. shook his head. 

“Not yet. Need a minute,” he closed his eyes again. 

“Okay. That’s okay, tell me when you’re ready and I’ll come help you,” John replied, and Alex heard him walk back over to the tub, heard him talk to Lafayette in low tones, soothing, steadying. 

Alex waited until he felt a little more himself, until the fog wasn’t threatening to rise back up and swallow him whole, until he could breathe, and open his eyes and look across the room at Lafayette and John and smile softly and not feel like he was coming apart.

“Okay,” he said, felt steadied by Lafayette’s return gaze, dry eyed and calmer now. 

John padded back over, reached out a hand and let Alex take it. 

Alex pulled himself up, stood up slowly on shaky legs and paused for a moment. 

“Can I put my arm around your waist, or are you okay to manage like this?” John asked, holding tight to Alex’s hand. 

“I’m okay,” Alex said. Needed to walk the short distance to the tub on his own two feet. 

John walked with him, held his hand the whole way, steadied Alex while Alex climbed into the tub and sank down into the water. 

“There. Can Lafayette hold you?” John let go of Alex’s hand and sat on the stool beside the tub.

Instead of answering, Alex fit himself between Lafayette’s legs, dropped his head to Lafayette’s shoulder and sighed a shaky sigh, let the warm water and Lafayette’s arms cradle him close and safe. 

“Can I wash you, Starlight?” Lafayette asked, voice low. He pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s head, and looped his arms loose around Alex’s waist. 

“No. Please, just hold me,” Alex couldn’t stand the thought of being pet and stroked and scrubbed, but he needed the warmth of Lafayette’s strong embrace. 

“Okay. Are you sure you’re okay?” Lafayette asked. 

“I’m sure,” Alex replied. Reached out for John’s hand, and squeezed it tight when he found it. 

“Laf? You good?” John asked, soft. 

“I… yes. I’m good,” Lafayette answered.

Alex let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, and let himself drift, the warmth and the quiet soothing his raw nerves. 

~*~

In the early light of morning, Lafayette found Alex in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around him from behind and pulled him close. 

Alex melted into him. Felt calm, felt steady, felt real. 

“Alex, I need to apologize,” Lafayette said. 

Alex twisted in Lafayette’s arms, looked up at him. 

“What for?” He asked, heart skipping a beat, praying this wasn’t a step backwards. 

“For last night,” Lafayette held up a hand to stall Alex’s protests. “No, listen. I’m not sorry that we did it. I feel… I feel better. But the way we did that, Alex, it was not safe. I should never have done the things I did to you last night while I was so emotionally off kilter myself. Had John not been there, I could have easily missed a signal that you were not okay, could have hurt you so easily. For that I am sorry.”

Alex blinked, and shook his head. 

“It’s alright, I forgive you, Laf. I… I needed that, and I’m sorry I pushed you to it when you weren’t feeling okay, but I’m glad it happened, and I hope it can happen again in a calmer state of mind,” Alex stretched up for a quick kiss, and Lafayette smiled softly, and nodded. 

“I hope that too. I’m sorry, Starlight, for putting you in a position that could have quickly become unsafe, and I’m sorry for making you feel as though all I could ever see of you is a memory. That’s… that’s not true. It’s hard sometimes, not to see it in my head, over and over, but I know you’re here, you’re real, you’re okay.” Lafayette hugged Alex tight, and Alex closed his eyes and sighed into it, feeling better than he had in weeks, something cracked loose inside of him that allowed him to breathe. 

“I forgive you, Laf. You need to forgive you, too,” he whispered. 

“I know. I know,” Lafayette said, quiet. “I’m going to the mind healers today. It’s helped John so much already, and I think I need it too. I love you so much, Starlight. You and John… you’re my world. I owe it to you both to get help.”

Alex kissed Lafayette’s neck, nuzzled against his soft skin. 

“You owe it to yourself, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments make the world go round <3


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